Bank Holiday Sunday saw the OHAFC 2nd XI bring the curtain down on their season in fine style, as they congregated for end of season celebrations and awards at South London’s finest Italian-themed eatery – Bunga Bunga. In a private room atop this mecca of drunken pursuits, the squad slowly formed and the early evening was spent, beers in hand, reminiscing about a season non pareil: 14 games played, 11 won, only two lost and both of those before all the leaves had fallen from the trees…In any other year it would have been a title celebration, but it was not to be, with side cruelly missing out on the Division Three title to Alleynians by two goals difference. Any lingering disappointment was eclipsed, however, by the unbridled joy at having achieved promotion to Division 2 for the first time since 2008.

Once seated, the house wine was opened and everyone prepared themselves for the lengthy feast ahead. The food was spectacular, each course bringing with it a further bout of renewed nostalgia as one away match tea after another was cleverly referenced by the Bunganese kitchen. A selection of cold meats and cheese, much like the ones found in the Alcock Pavilion sandwiches, arrived early doors, followed by breaded chicken goujons (in reference to Salopians away). The effect of spending a couple of hours in a small room with fifteen men was clearly taking its toll as the chicken was soon labelled ‘chicken strippers’ and shouts of ‘can we have some more strippers?’ filled the air to the bemusement of the tattoed Italian waitress. Breaded funghi were a show-stopper, a sly reference to the Eastbournians’ tea, before the ubiquitous half-metre pizza brought things to a head – truffle oil sprinkled liberally on top a gentle prod to the Citizens away trip, where the quintet of tea attendees were left agog at the calamari and truffled chips placed before them.

Once everyone’s hunger had been satiated and a routine bumble/happn sweep performed, skipper Geoff Taunton-Collins rose from his seat, requested the musak lowered and addressed his adoring flock. The 2s, he said, had taken their rightful place in Division 2 after a long, hard campaign. The spirit created and the winning habit evinced this season were cause for celebration, and optimism in the face of renewed challenges next season. Some fixtures would be harder next season, but the esprit de corps of the squad could cope with anything, he opined. In a season such as this, we truly were all winners.

Moments later, however, there were some actual winners, as cheap photo frames containing a picture of this season’s squad were handed out to those who deserved them most. Geoff kicked off with the Defender of the year award. After reeling off an unnecessarily long list of potential worthy winners (‘Jamie Barwick…Doug Pratt…Jack Orr-Ewing, could have been any one of them…’) Geoff named Harry Woolley the worthiest, in particular for some impressive defensive performances in high pressure games down the stretch (not least his gritty, hair-on-chest, backs-to-the-wall tussle with ‘Leggings Boys Stick Together’ Sandy in the Alleynians home fixture).

Next up, Attacker of the Season was awarded to Gbeminiyi Soyinka for his outstanding return of 20 goals in the season (enough to scoop the Golden Boot as well). Unfortunately Gbeminiyi was unable to attend the ceremony in person, but luckily his cousin Jonny Lalude was able to muster up a mildly monosyllabic expression of Soyinka’s gratitude in his absence. ‘He says cheers’ Jonny began...and concluded. The skipper smiled weakly, and then continued in stoical fashion.

Best Newcomer was a close-run affair, fought out between three stellar additions to the squad: James Barwick, Doug Pratt, and Pablo Hutchinson. As it was, Jamie took the spoils – his breakout powerhouse performance and goal from midfield in the 3-0 home win against the Citizens no doubt hot in the voters’ minds (his poorly, man-flu afflicted spell on the sidelines in the away fixture less so).

Goal of the Season was awarded to Oli Curry for his screamer from 25 yards against the Salopians on the Chiswick astro (more on that later), before the awards reached the much-anticipated Most Improved Player category. This was convincingly won by Jack Alhadeff, who scored a remarkable 13 goals from the left-wing in just 12 appearances. Equally remarkable was the stunning revelation that he had contributed not a single assist in those dozen games. ‘Selfish weirdo’ muttered Lederman as he wiped away some tears, a surprisingly hot chilli have caught him off guard at a most inopportune moment.

Players’s Player of the Year went to Soyinka, another hat-trick for him in this most successful of seasons, before we arrived at the much sought after PLT, the Points League Table, which takes account of all contributions to the Club during the season, both on and off the pitch. There was no prize this year for the skipper, who was derided so vocally for designing a system of points that ultimately brought him an award last season. In fact, it is perhaps worth dwelling in slightly more granular detail on the response, put out on the OHAFC website, in light of his 2016 win:

At the end of the season, Geoff locked himself away in a dark room and developed a spreadsheet to calculate just how much of a legend he truly is. The answer was just the one he expected: he's truly super… Next year some tweaks to the format are promised, with Super Geoff keen to design new ways to showcase his vast superiority over his squad...rumours of a mark out of ten for dashing good looks have so far proved unfounded but it is understood to be one of many items on Super G's wishlist...

Such an overhaul was indeed borne out, with a new system devised by David Lederman (the author of the piece above). It is perhaps not overly-surprising, then, that Lederman was pronounced the winner of the 2017 PLT (along with the Mr Assistor award to boot – it was all there in the PLT), his mastery of excel matched only by his ability to deliver a cross to the back post, wind-against.

The Donkey Award nominees for the most useless moments of the season were read out in time-honoured tradition, Azhar Khan’s ‘display’ away to Eastbournians in January when he left the kit in his flat and passed consistently to a flock of seagulls occupying the adjacent pitch, featured heavily, much to his (but no-one else's) surprise.

Gelati arrived right on time, and before the night descended overwhelmingly into chaos, Lederman, ever the assistor, came up with one last box of tricks – a curious category-based end of season quiz, put to the squad in turn. ‘Have more Charlies or Harrys played for the Club this season?’ ‘Does Will Orr-Ewing like yoga, pilates or tai-chi?’ ‘At which ground did post-match tea include chicken goujons shaped like fish?’ Clearly, Harry Woolley was one of the few who had been paying attention, correctly stating that Ed Massey had noted a south-easterly wind in the away defeat to Alleynians. ‘It’s all in the match report’ he confidently exclaimed to his teammates, many of whom were in hysterics at this extraordinary knowledge.

The squad’s collective poor performance on these questions was soon forgotten however as they re-energised themselves for the ‘mingling’ section of the evening. Some players proved better ‘minglers’ than others. Jack Alhadeff immediately mingled freely with anyone and everyone, his mingling technique based squarely on the duel between Harry Potter and Malfoy in the Chamber of Secrets. Pablo Hutchinson and Jonny Lalude mingled efficiently, biding their time before launching into some enthusiastic dance-based mingles. But it was only a matter of time before the supreme minglers made themselves known: Taunton-Collins and Khan prowled around the perimeter, studied their prey, then launched into a series of clinical mingling strikes. Each mingle appreciated by those not so adept at mingling.

With Bunga Bunga’s closure, Raffles was the destination of choice for those who wished to continue mingling. The Curry brothers charged around like a pair of delighted bulls in a proverbial china shop, giddy with excitement at the doorman’s evident oversight at letting them in. Azhar Khan, worn out by his efforts in Bunga, decided to let others mingle for him, before pouncing on any leftovers. He guarded his newly pilfered ‘goods’ like a demented and very amorous limpet, in large part due to a robust bladder which allowed him to stand guard for well over 90 minutes.

It was a happy scene at the end of a most rewarding season. As Geoff stressed in his speech, promotion into Division 2 is the culmination of an 18 month project, the team having risen from the foot of the table at the mid-point of last season, embraced an unheralded unity (pre-match team brunches now litter mid-season Saturday mornings) and a winning mentality. Promotion, then, and for the first time since the 2009/10 season, the chance to test ourselves against the best 2nd XI sides in the League. Congratulations to all involved.

*With thanks to Ed Massey for this most thorough report