The shocking truth behind 1st XI centre-half Fred Milln's sudden disappearance from OHAFC duty midway through the season can now be revealed...

According to the Mail on Sunday, it appears as though young Fred has gone and found himself some 'mature' female company to soothe his frazzled nerves following another season of being shouted at by 1's skipper Ed Poulter.

Unable to stand the constant abuse after yet another needless booking or hacked clearance into the suburbs of Harrow, the self-styled 'Chelsea hard-man' has just turned up 'chillaxing' in the clear blue waters off Barbados with none other than Jeremy Clarkson's wife!

Together, the slightly odd couple were pictured frollicking in the sea and playing ball games together - presumably in a pathetic attempt to ensure his dodgy technique doesn't deteriorate too badly before he returns for the season run-in.

Oh wait, he's missing those games as well...

Anyway, the Mail on Sunday showbiz team have some peculiar views on the big, brainless stopper, labelling him in the article as:

• a handsome man
• strikingly handsome in a pair of pink and white shorts
• he looked statuesque with his brooking look and swarthy appearance
• he sported a very toned, muscular body
• he seemed to carry himself with confidence

As the picture below shows, perhaps a more fitting series of phrases could be applied to the man who spent his entire GCSE revision period changing all the names of the players in International Cricket Captain to match those of the Moretons house XI:

From this picture it appears as though Mrs Clarkson's 'mystery companion' is:

• holding his gut in
• sporting moobs
• unshaven
• clearly just said something quite offensive to Mrs Clarkson
• lazy
• unlucky in love
• completely one-footed

OHAFC.com reporters have been camped outside the Milln residence in Chelsea all day waiting for 'JT' to return but so far without success. Rumours he has gone into hiding at an undisclosed location outside the UK have yet to be verified, but if they prove true, details of the celebrations that will surely follow will be posted on the site as soon as Ed Poulter can clear the use of his flat with his girlfriend.