Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson wasted little time in hunting down and wreaking a terrible revenge on the man whom the Mail on Sunday last week discovered had been enjoying the company of his wife in Barbados, OHAFC 1st XI centre-half and celebrity 'hunk' Fred Milln.

The 29 year-old ended up in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital last night, forced to undergo a CT scan after a late challenge by, presumably, the man chosen by the curly-haired car kingpin for the assassination attempt during the OHAFC 1st XI's visit to the Old Salopians.

Milln was mid-air when he was thundered into from behind by a Salopian defender and left on the ground in a heap, blood weeping from his left ear, grazes scarring his already-hideous face.

In hospital, initial attempts to diagnose the severity of the injury proved tricky when doctors realised that the burly stopper's inability to answer basic questions such as what day it was or how old his sister is were nothing to do with his medical condition.

Poor Fred - described by one Mail on Sunday reader as 'bigger than my fridge-freezer' - soon grew tired of the doctor's line of questioning and, according to bystander Harry Hoffen, 'squealed like a little girl' when the blood pressure monitoring device was attached to his arm and inflated.

He was finally released back onto the streets at 6pm but kept a low profile for fear that Clarkson may be following him to complete the job his accomplice had started.

In the game, the Old Harrovians predictably coped just fine following the assassination, winning the second half 2-1 without Milln having lost the first half 1-0 with him.

Very thankfully neither Fred Milln nor Jeremy Clarkson were available for comment last night.